beautiful rain

i couldnt sleep last night. first it was a very loud bull mooing and carrying on outside my bedroom window. i lay for a minute trying to work out how close the sound was.. i had a panic moment of whether the gates were shut. i woke my boy and he mumbled something that assured me that the bull was pretty much locked in a paddock. although unless there is electricity buzzing through the fences, they will just walk right on through them if they feel like it. i felt assured enough to drift back to sleep to the sound of a bull. strange i know.

then it was Millie the cat chasing Coco the cat around the house at 2am. Millie has a bell around her neck.... the jingling woke me out of the sleep i had just found after the mooing. Out of bed I jumped and out the door went Millie.

and then 5.50 am im awake again. for no apparent reason. so I thought i may as well stay awake and enjoy some quiet time in the dark of early morning. I started to finish off the tops Ive printed...ironing and sewing labels. . I think i managed five before i mumbled to myself there must be a better (easier) way to heat set my prints. ironing is a rotten job. firstly because i have a tendency to burn myself and secondly because i dont like the unknown of whether the print is set or not. this here is my non-committment issue. i give up. too easily.

i went outside just as it was getting light. the birds were singing. one bird in particular. i couldnt see it. but i was sure it was calling me. i thought of my dad.

yesterday and last night it rained. you dont know what a relief that is for us, for all of the farmers around here. the sound of rain falling brought such happiness to my heart. for my boy.

the spring sunshine was warming the earth too quickly and all the seed we have planted...10 hectares of it, will now grow into a lot of food. so happy. such relief.

water..its so much more than just water. but that is a story for another time. something i want to explore further.

so anyway, i venture back inside to read soulemamas blog. such a sweet story.

i remember too carrying around my little ones. my amelie is 4 and i still carry her short distances in my arms. sindri is 7 and last night i carried him from our bed to his bed. and veda is almost ten and i can lift her up and put her pretty much straight back down again. she is almost as tall as me. gulp. the feeling of their little bodies in my arms..i hope i will always feel them in my arms as they grow bigger and bigger.

but anyway.. i then realised the reason i couldnt sleep last night was because veda wasnt home in her bed. she was at her friends birthday sleepover party. and although i love her friend and her family and wasnt worried at all...it was just that veda was far from us. letting go is not easy.

when i hear from other people sweet stories about things my kids have done, or i see them being really beautiful caring friends my heart almost explodes with joy. im often in awe of our kids.

so today i will pick up veda from her friends. no doubt she will be tired and grumpy and will have grown one tiny bit more after spending a night away , and with her friends. i will be gentle with her...or i will try to be.... and let her find her way back into her home.

did i tell you how much i love our blossom trees. oh goodness. i bought a pink blossom the other day because after driving around the country side spotting them with amelie i decided we really need one in our garden. and then we ended up at this little nursery and they had one waiting for me for $10. perfect. how excited amelie and i were.

and our big old plum tree is now a white blossoming popcorn tree. its beautiful. theres certain times in our garden, just like in life where i would like to press pause. i would press it now. today.

and now the morning is here and soon fuzzy warm amelie and sindri will tumble in, out of their beds.

im sure i will be the tired grumpy one at about 7pm tonight...but the morning has been nice.

for Hana

life

the kids stayed home from school yesterday. if i get a call from the principal soon i wont be surprised. and i have thought about what i may say to him if the situation arose. i have this constant thought in my head that life is short, there is no time for wasting life not being happy or for making choices out of fear.

ive been reading about this family's life. its heart breaking and inspiring.

family.

garden and printing

lazing on my bed

food

friday afternoons are nice arent they?

ive just realised that i should make myself eat more often. i really dont get so hungry and when i do i often ignore it until i dont feel so good and then i will eat. i just cooked some rice and lentils and they were so deliciously flavoured with garlic and coriander and parsley from my garden . i swear my body almost spoke to me and said thankyooouuuu. now a coffee with my latest addiction- maltesers. deleting all the goodness i just ate, i know. but jeepers im feeling happy.

weather

the wind outside is so icy. my windchimes are singing a wild tune. the rain needs to come now. it feels like the weather is warming up...the blossoms are about to burst on our trees ( which i cant wait for) ive had enough of the bare branch look.

print

im out of gocco screens which is annoying because its the weekend. and i want to print. but a little voice inside says to go sew. and then the conflicting voice says naah too hard.

fun

me and my farmer boy went out last night for pizza and a movie with friends. it was so fun. being out alone doesnt happen very often for us and when it does happen it takes me back to the days when we first started hanging out together. i hope we are still doing it when we are 70. walking down the street holding hands.

enough rambling...i need to go out into that wind now and find some wood for our fire. i learnt how to use the chainsaw the other day. thats one scary sentence isnt it! i havent actually used the chainsaw yet... i dont think its such a good idea....coupled with my pyromaniac tendencies right now...

oh and any ideas on what to give a boy who is turning 40 soon, who really only loves his family and his cows. im running out of time.

print

i was going to say its hard, but really...if i had to walk 10 kilometres to fetch some clean water to drink...that would be hard. but trying to find some physical space, some good ideas, some free time, and some extra energy is just a bit tricky right now. nevertheless...i did do some printing today with my last two gocco screens. never fear... i ordered some more today and they are on their way. the first screen was a bit of a flop in my opinion. the little top above did come of the first printing session this afternoon though. and its okay i guess. nicer than a kmart top. which is a good thing in case you have no idea what kmart is. not that i have anything personal against kmart either. and the second printing session which began after tea tonight ... i shrunk a babushka print.. the one at the top of my blog that says hello to you each time you visit here.... and i printed that and also some tiny bird shapes. and tiny dots. it was more of a success. the problem i have is that i ordered too many big tops....like adult size for girls...and not enough little kids tops. little kids tops are so much more fun to print on. and little kids are so much more fun. and im having a slight panic as to what i will do with so many tops. im assuming im going to be able to sell them. a big assumption i made. late at night. i shouldnt make decisions at midnight. note to myself.
so anyway.. tomorrow i will play with Amelie.. all day. shes in desperate need of a play date. the poor lonely third child she is. she talks all day. non stop. and all day she asks what is everything made of. its her favourite question. and one i often cant answer very well. i wonder how much of my answers she is taking in. what is fire made of? what are leaves made of? i need to have google in my pocket so i can give her some better answers. google is lighter than an encyclopedia. not as nice as a big old book though.

tonight

today

f

kids did stay home from school

i lit five fires on the farm

ive definitely burnt and smoked a clearing, a space for new energy

i must thank my elder sister for her wisdom

we found out that our neighbour is a horse lover and is willing to help us find the right horse for our little horse loving girl...right next door...well thats down the road a bit.

veda found an old horse shoe earlier today. declaring she was now the luckiest girl in the world

i came home to find a bouquet of red gum flowers in the front wire door

it was a perfect day

hello

ive been doing some printing with my trusty little gocco. printing quickly. amelie was impatient with me.. she wanted me to play. not print. shes feeling a little lonely with the kids at school and no hana here to get up to mischief with. im feeling a little lonely too. lonely plus many other things.
i want a bigger screen to print with. although i do have a different control with the tiny gocco screen. i like to overlap it and move it around in a frantic way. i like it that the fabric gets a bit of a dirty look to it. more lived in. homely maybe.
a bigger screen would mean i could do it with bigger pieces of fabric i guess. which would be good. and fun.
ive ordered lots of tops in big and little people sizes to print on. im going to have some fun with them. each day i impatiently check the mail hoping they will be there.
in the mean time im sort of wandering around aimlessly. theres many things i could be doing. but i need a project. something to work towards. instead of the every day-ness of every day.
i keep thinking about where we can go overseas. i must have been a gypsy in a past life. my latest dream is of morocco. yes. im dreaming. and it sounds like it may be a better choice for when the kids are a little bigger.
so tonight i lit a fire out the front and burnt some rubbish in an effort to help my boy clean up some mess on the farm. and really i just felt like lighting a fire. its a family fire gene im sure.
i later found out i had burnt lots of cow feed bags that can be sold back to the company for $10 each. oops. why were they lying all over the place then was my question.
theres been a lot of thefts off farms going on in our area. its got me feeling a little nervous. theres some rotten people out there arent there. i forget that sometimes.
i guess i should sleep. im tempted to keep the kids home from school tomorrow. just because its nice to have them home. i'll decide in the morning.
let you know when ive printed some tops.
goodnight/morning/afternoon

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guardian angel

let go

birds drawn a long time ago by Veda.

face drawn by me i dont remember when.

yesterday and today i printed fabric. and paper . then i printed a face on the door. and i accidentally printed through the fabric on to the floor. im making nice piles . im thinking i will soon make clothes , maybe a little book or two, a bigger mess? endless possibilities....

and then i burnt my hand ironing the fabric tonight.

maybe i will just keep printing each day and not stop.

i doubt it.

i always stop.

its in my nature.

and i may just end up with nice piles.

but thats ok

nothing

this is maybe the 20th post ive written and then which i later backspace and delete the whole thing. so many things to say. but also nothing to say. because sometimes words dont work.
so lets just look at some photos from the last few days.